Thursday, January 13, 2011

The End of the World Part 1: The Undead

Happy new year, everyone! I thought I'd start off 2011 in a positive way and talk about the apocalypse!

Way back when in, like, November, or something, a friend of mine told me that I should discuss the end of the world on this here blog. At first, I couldn't figure out what the apocalypse had to do with going insane, but I figured it out! That's why I'm writing about it!

Before I go any further, I'd like to let you know that I care about you, dear reader. I am aware that the topic of the end of the world isn't a topic some people like to discuss. So I'm letting you know now that this is pretty much what I will be writing about. So if you aren't fond of the idea, perhaps you should reconsider reading this. Your call, yo.

This series of posts are aimed at those who believe the world will end, those curious on how the world might end, and those who are bored. Many people may worry about surviving the end of the world, which may cause them to begin to stress out and be afraid, which can lead to insanity. The proper way to ward of going insane in this situation is through the power of information and knowledge. So, dear reader, I will attempt to provide you with this information, but, again, please note that I'm not a professional in anything. So if you decide to take this seriously then learn that my advice doesn't actually work, get over it. It's your fault for taking it, so ha!
I've warned you.

A "colleague" and I made a list of the most likely ways that the world will end. We have "gathered" information and I have been given permission to report our "findings."*

Without further ado, let us begin. Today's topic of discussion will be on the undead, which includes zombies and vampires, I guess.

Let's start with zombies.
Let's start with defining zombies.
According to a zombie is...

1. (in voodoo)
a. the body of a dead person given the semblance of life, but mute and will-less, by a supernatural force, usually for some evil purpose.
b. the supernatural force itself.
2. (informal)
a. a person whose behavior or responses are wooden, listless, or seemingly rote; automaton.
b. an eccentric or peculiar person.
3. a snake god worshiped in West Indian and Brazilian religious practices of African origin.
4. a tall drink made typically with several kinds of rum, citrus juice, and often apricot liqueur.
5. (Canadian Slang) An army conscript assigned to home defense during World War II.

We know zombies to be those guys that were alive, but were infected by some virus, that made them dead, that brought them back to "life," and had a strong desire to consume human flesh. You know, the scary, walking dead humans that want to eat you. They normally have tattered clothes.

According to Max Brooks, the awesome guy that wrote The Zombie Survival Guide, we are taught the science behind zombies. Solanum is, according to Brooks, the virus that turns regular people into zombies. There are symptoms, too!

You know how in the movies, people who are bitten by zombies don't tend to die right away? They look pretty shitty, right? That's 'cause they're sick. And when someone is sick, they tend to show some symptoms. These are the symptoms, according to Brooks, that are exhibited. Hour by hour!

Hour 1: Pain and discoloration (brown-purple) of the infected area. Immediate clotting of the wound (provided the infection came from a wound).
Hour 5: Fever (99–103 degrees F), chills, slight dementia, vomiting, acute pain in the joints.
Hour 8: Numbing of extremities and infected area, increased fever (103–106 degrees F), increased dementia, loss of muscular coordination.
Hour 11: Paralysis in the lower body, overall numbness, slowed heart rate.
Hour 16: Coma.
Hour 20: Heart stoppage. Zero brain activity.
Hour 23: Reanimation.

So that's that. Once there are zombies running, erm, I mean, limping, or whatever, one should be very cautious. Zombies aren't fast, so they may seem like they are a pathetic force, but in numbers, if you're not prepared, you're pretty much screwed.

Oh, right, here's some fun information that will quell some of your fears! Zombies can't run. Yeah, all the stuff you see in those movies with zombies sprinting isn't real. No, real zombies don't run.
Anywho, my "colleague" and I made a list of stuff that is essential to survive the zombocalypse. Brooks has one, too, but I ain't talking about Brooks' book the whole time. Go read it, and arm yourselves with knowledge.
Here's the list:
  • Water
  • Alcohol (for disinfecting wounds and such)
  • Alcohol (it'll help settle your nerves, according to Colleague)
  • A way of defending yourself (chainsaws aren't good, though. They're loud and can attract more zombies.)
  • Ammunition if your way of defending yourself requires it
  • Some form of entertainment
  • Food (You know, the kind that won't go bad quickly)
  • Knives
  • First aid kid
  • Common sense
It has been theorized that the list can be cut down to, like, three of these: Water, alcohol and food. Alcohol can be used as a form of entertainment, disinfectant, and as a tool of defending yourself (Molotov cocktail). This is probably a little risky, though.

Apart from fear, something else also threatens your sanity in this situation: the moans of the undead. Imagine hearing someone complain 24/7. Your sanity would soon cease to exist after a few days. So make sure you distract yourself from the scary sounds. If you go insane while zombies are out to eat you, you're fucked.

So that's zombies. There is another portion to the undead, though that has yet to be discussed. Vampires are scarier than zombies. They can think and stuff.

Once again,

1.a preternatural being, commonly believed to be a reanimated corpse, that is said to suck the blood of sleeping persons at night.
2. (in Eastern European folklore) a corpse, animated by an undeparted soul or demon, that periodically leaves the grave and disturbs the living, until it is exhumed and impaled or burned.
3. a person who preys ruthlessly upon others; extortionist.
4. a woman who unscrupulously exploits, ruins, or degrades the men she seduces.
5. an actress noted for her roles as an unscrupulous seductress: the vampires of the silent movies.

The last two entries are scary, but we will be focusing on the first three.

Zombies are easy to kill. Destroy the brain in any way and you're good. Vampires are really specific, though. You need like a stake and guts to kill a vampire. Or expose them to light. Unless they're the vampires that Stephanie Meyer has created, but those should be easy to kill.

The real scary vampires, though aren't. Vampires can fuck you up easily. I mean seriously, they only come out at night. They know we have pretty crappy night vision and they take advantage of that fact. With zombies, there is a chance you'll live if you do everything right. Vampires on the other hand...well, a lot of it will probably have to do with luck. Unless you're a clumsy, awkward teenager who just moved to an obscure town in the northwest, looking for true love or whatever. But don't get your hopes up. Vampires can easily fuck you up. I mean, anything that can turn into a bat at will and has, like, three weaknesses that aren't easy to utilize is not to be trifled with.

But vampires being the death of all us is a lot less unlikely than zombies eating us. Seriously.

In the end, though, a lot of the ideas of surviving really have to do with common sense and being able to function. So when the day comes when the handsome anchorman alerts you to undead walking about the streets of Seattle, or something, don't panic, stay calm, and act quickly and properly. This will ensure your sanity. Hopefully.

*My colleague is my red headed friend. We are freshmen in college. We have very little knowledge on the subject of the end of the world. The only real information we gathered was basically from The Zombie Survival Guide. The rest we just thought made sense. So this stuff I'm writing about aren't really findings. They kind of are, though, right? Right.


  1. What about the end of the world due to global warming, that shit can make you go pretty insane, the constant fear of the icecaps melting and facing the hard truth that one day most things will be under water.

  2. No need to fret, good sir! That shall be discussed in the following post!