Sunday, January 30, 2011

The End of the World Part 1: The Undead Part 2

Probably the most confusing title for a post, am I right? I apologize, this was last minute.

Colleague pointed out that I had missed a lot in my previous post and so he sent me what I had failed to mention. I thought it was very informative and fucking hilarious.

It's a special guest post, you guys! Read and stuff!

Oh, and the second part of the End of the World posts should be up soonish. School has started once more and I have been barraged with a gratuitous amount of homework. So that's my excuse. Anywho, enjoy.

You don't have to use all of this or any of it, I just thought you might like a little extra insight. And if you do use any of this and like the way I have worded anything you can go ahead and use it and I swear I wont take you to court for plagerismorwhatever.

Zombies: You'll need fire starters, more than just one Bic, something that'll last a while. Knives, big ones for zombie killing, little ones for survival purposes, get extras in case you leave some in zombie heads. Get a gun, they're helpful.
Can't shoot and have to get close? Get a shotgun. You barely have to aim.
Can shoot and like to stay away from the zombies all safe and cozy on a hill top? Get a rifle, preferably with a scope, and get a hand gun in addition, just in case shit goes down.

Golf clubs are essential. They hit just as hard as a bat but in a smaller surface area so deliver more damage. If that surface area is, say a zombie's temple, then you're golden. Nobody owns or sells one club so grab the lot and stash them wherever camp is cause they're bendy little fuckers and you'll need replacements.

Associate yourself with a badass, one who's not yet a zombie, 'cause you'll need someone with the balls to shoot a friend without hesitation if they get bitten. Feeling sentimental towards the undead gets you killed.

Get a large frying pan, it'll help you cook any meat you hunt down. It's also pretty useful as a hard object. And if shit really hits the fan and if you get attacked at home, you can hit zombies on the head and it'll have pretty good results.

Get some soap if you can find it, if not more alcohol. vodka would be good, it kills germs effectively. Shovels are nice to have around camp if you can score one. Say you kill a deer for dinner, what do you do with all the parts you cant eat like a stomach full of bile? Take it far off camp and bury it with the aid of your shovel. That way zombies don't smell it and neither do any other unpleasent scavengers.

Bicycles are helpful as well. Zombies aren't fast and bikes don't run out of gas. But if you can score a car for emergencies go for it. Not a Prius, though...


Vampires: Fuck axes like you see in the movies, you only get one shot with and ax if you miss. Vampires are really fucking fast. Find yourself a sword, if you cant find a proper sword because for some reason they aren't very popular weapons any more, just a long flat piece of steal that you've drug on concrete until it became sharpish. It'll do fine. Use it to cut vampire heads off.
First thing you should do when you hear of vampires running around is go straight to you local hardware store, high school and college and raid the vocational classrooms (metal shop, wood shop, auto shop etc.) for supplies and use all the supplies you find to reinforce your house for night time so no vampires break in. Stay inside when it's dark and get yourself a watch with an alarm on it and set it to go off so that you can get back home with two hours to spare before dark. That way you can go over every part of the house and make sure everything is closed properly and have time to fix anything that might have gotten broken or out of place, making sure everything is ship-shape for the night. Make NO noise during darker hours. Extinguish ALL light during dark. Stay INSIDE during darker hours.

If you have a pet, kill it - they are just too unpredictably noisy and too hard to keep quiet all night. Go to a church and grab a bunch of proper crosses, find yourself some silver, and start eating a bunch of garlic just in case the myths are true. Sharpen a bunch of thick sturdy stick to points and learn where the heart is in the human body if you are dumb and don't already know. Only go out when the sun is up, too.

So there you have it, folks. Good advice from Michael.
Now you're prepared to not die and stay sane!

No comments:

Post a Comment