Sunday, January 30, 2011

The End of the World Part 2: Natural Disasters

I live in California. As a Californian, I have a lot of things to worry about. Earthquakes, beautiful celebrities ruining my self-esteem, heavy snowfall, stormy, rainy weather, unforgettable California girls who wear Daisy Duke's and bikinis on top, UV radiation, and in a matter of years, the end of the relationship between the Golden State and The U.S. It will be a terrible break up.

So maybe some of us Californians will be slightly prepared for the end of the world, right?

Hell no.

If the world does end due to some form of crazy-go-nuts natural disaster, it'll be terrifying worse than what us Californians, or any other earthling has ever experienced. Maybe.

Natural disasters are numerous. Here's a list:
Heavenly bodies colliding with the Earth
Killer Whales
The Sun exploding
Global Warming

I'm not going to cover all of these. I'll probably just talk about events where we can prepare. The Sun exploding is an instant death sentence, as well as the Killer Whales War that could take place.
And I mean asteroids and comets and stuff when I mentioned heavenly bodies. I'm staying away from religion. Really far away.

Let's start with earthquakes.
I could get all geological right now, but that's not important. So for this blog, an earthquake is pretty much the earth having an epileptic fit.
The earth's seizures have a scale of how destructive they are. 1 being mediocre, and 10 being deadly to the extreme. When the world ends, it'll be a level 10 earthquake that will have killed us all. Everyone around the earth will feel it and they will be sad.
The best thing you can do is pretty much buy a flying house. They aren't on the market yet, but they might be soon. Invest in one of those, or whatever. I don't know any of the house buying stuff. Just get one. Or just hide under a really strong table. Canned foodstuffs will help you live longer, too.

I'm not going to lie, you guys. I know little about earthquakes. I've experienced, like, three in my life. My first encounter with an earthquake took place way back when I was just a wee lad, sleeping all safe and sound in the warm confines of my bed. I was slumbering peacefully when my dear mum started screaming at the top of her longs that the ground was shaking. I would've been able to sleep through it, and to be honest, the earthquake probably wouldn't have scared too badly. My dear mother's cruel awakening, however, made it all the worse.
So in case of an earthquake, stay calm. Unless you want to scare your children. And scar them for life. Jerk.

Let's discuss flooding now.

I've never been in a flood. I have known people that have, though. And of course we're probably all familiar with the catastrophic events that can occur because of these natural disasters.
Like earthquakes, one should prepare for these fucked up events. I'm not going to tell you what to do to prepare. Look it up yourself. Geez.

I'm just going to skip all the boring natural disasters. Hurricanes, tornadoes, volcanoes, all that stuff. Best you can do is just prepare for those, I guess. You'll be in a state of peace and stuff, so you'll probably do fine. Probably. Learn how to swim just in case.

In real life, Bruce Willis probably won't be able to save us from a massive asteroid the size of Texas crushing us all. I don't think anything can prevent that. So if you're really worried, start training yourself to endure polluted air, a toxic atmosphere, a lack of sunlight and healthy vegetation, and all that good stuff. But if you live in Los Angeles, you're probably good to go.
So this post kind of really sucks. I apologize. But like the post prior to this, the whole point is to just prepare so you aren't freaking out. It's like taking a test, I guess. If you don't study, you'll probably fail the test and you'll be freaking out the whole time. Whereas if you study, you probably won't. Ugh.

Anywho, most of these events aren't preventable. We can treat killer whales nicely so they don't revolt against us, and we could possibly build a bad-ass laser that will destroy asteroids. But if we are to die by the cruel hand of Mother Nature, then that sucks. At least we won't be to blame. That would really suck, and it would be embarrassing. No, but we won't be doing that anytime soon. We humans are smart and wouldn't dare bring the end upon ourselves. Right?


The End of the World Part 1: The Undead Part 2

Probably the most confusing title for a post, am I right? I apologize, this was last minute.

Colleague pointed out that I had missed a lot in my previous post and so he sent me what I had failed to mention. I thought it was very informative and fucking hilarious.

It's a special guest post, you guys! Read and stuff!

Oh, and the second part of the End of the World posts should be up soonish. School has started once more and I have been barraged with a gratuitous amount of homework. So that's my excuse. Anywho, enjoy.

You don't have to use all of this or any of it, I just thought you might like a little extra insight. And if you do use any of this and like the way I have worded anything you can go ahead and use it and I swear I wont take you to court for plagerismorwhatever.

Zombies: You'll need fire starters, more than just one Bic, something that'll last a while. Knives, big ones for zombie killing, little ones for survival purposes, get extras in case you leave some in zombie heads. Get a gun, they're helpful.
Can't shoot and have to get close? Get a shotgun. You barely have to aim.
Can shoot and like to stay away from the zombies all safe and cozy on a hill top? Get a rifle, preferably with a scope, and get a hand gun in addition, just in case shit goes down.

Golf clubs are essential. They hit just as hard as a bat but in a smaller surface area so deliver more damage. If that surface area is, say a zombie's temple, then you're golden. Nobody owns or sells one club so grab the lot and stash them wherever camp is cause they're bendy little fuckers and you'll need replacements.

Associate yourself with a badass, one who's not yet a zombie, 'cause you'll need someone with the balls to shoot a friend without hesitation if they get bitten. Feeling sentimental towards the undead gets you killed.

Get a large frying pan, it'll help you cook any meat you hunt down. It's also pretty useful as a hard object. And if shit really hits the fan and if you get attacked at home, you can hit zombies on the head and it'll have pretty good results.

Get some soap if you can find it, if not more alcohol. vodka would be good, it kills germs effectively. Shovels are nice to have around camp if you can score one. Say you kill a deer for dinner, what do you do with all the parts you cant eat like a stomach full of bile? Take it far off camp and bury it with the aid of your shovel. That way zombies don't smell it and neither do any other unpleasent scavengers.

Bicycles are helpful as well. Zombies aren't fast and bikes don't run out of gas. But if you can score a car for emergencies go for it. Not a Prius, though...


Vampires: Fuck axes like you see in the movies, you only get one shot with and ax if you miss. Vampires are really fucking fast. Find yourself a sword, if you cant find a proper sword because for some reason they aren't very popular weapons any more, just a long flat piece of steal that you've drug on concrete until it became sharpish. It'll do fine. Use it to cut vampire heads off.
First thing you should do when you hear of vampires running around is go straight to you local hardware store, high school and college and raid the vocational classrooms (metal shop, wood shop, auto shop etc.) for supplies and use all the supplies you find to reinforce your house for night time so no vampires break in. Stay inside when it's dark and get yourself a watch with an alarm on it and set it to go off so that you can get back home with two hours to spare before dark. That way you can go over every part of the house and make sure everything is closed properly and have time to fix anything that might have gotten broken or out of place, making sure everything is ship-shape for the night. Make NO noise during darker hours. Extinguish ALL light during dark. Stay INSIDE during darker hours.

If you have a pet, kill it - they are just too unpredictably noisy and too hard to keep quiet all night. Go to a church and grab a bunch of proper crosses, find yourself some silver, and start eating a bunch of garlic just in case the myths are true. Sharpen a bunch of thick sturdy stick to points and learn where the heart is in the human body if you are dumb and don't already know. Only go out when the sun is up, too.

So there you have it, folks. Good advice from Michael.
Now you're prepared to not die and stay sane!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The End of the World Part 1: The Undead

Happy new year, everyone! I thought I'd start off 2011 in a positive way and talk about the apocalypse!

Way back when in, like, November, or something, a friend of mine told me that I should discuss the end of the world on this here blog. At first, I couldn't figure out what the apocalypse had to do with going insane, but I figured it out! That's why I'm writing about it!

Before I go any further, I'd like to let you know that I care about you, dear reader. I am aware that the topic of the end of the world isn't a topic some people like to discuss. So I'm letting you know now that this is pretty much what I will be writing about. So if you aren't fond of the idea, perhaps you should reconsider reading this. Your call, yo.

This series of posts are aimed at those who believe the world will end, those curious on how the world might end, and those who are bored. Many people may worry about surviving the end of the world, which may cause them to begin to stress out and be afraid, which can lead to insanity. The proper way to ward of going insane in this situation is through the power of information and knowledge. So, dear reader, I will attempt to provide you with this information, but, again, please note that I'm not a professional in anything. So if you decide to take this seriously then learn that my advice doesn't actually work, get over it. It's your fault for taking it, so ha!
I've warned you.

A "colleague" and I made a list of the most likely ways that the world will end. We have "gathered" information and I have been given permission to report our "findings."*

Without further ado, let us begin. Today's topic of discussion will be on the undead, which includes zombies and vampires, I guess.

Let's start with zombies.
Let's start with defining zombies.
According to a zombie is...

1. (in voodoo)
a. the body of a dead person given the semblance of life, but mute and will-less, by a supernatural force, usually for some evil purpose.
b. the supernatural force itself.
2. (informal)
a. a person whose behavior or responses are wooden, listless, or seemingly rote; automaton.
b. an eccentric or peculiar person.
3. a snake god worshiped in West Indian and Brazilian religious practices of African origin.
4. a tall drink made typically with several kinds of rum, citrus juice, and often apricot liqueur.
5. (Canadian Slang) An army conscript assigned to home defense during World War II.

We know zombies to be those guys that were alive, but were infected by some virus, that made them dead, that brought them back to "life," and had a strong desire to consume human flesh. You know, the scary, walking dead humans that want to eat you. They normally have tattered clothes.

According to Max Brooks, the awesome guy that wrote The Zombie Survival Guide, we are taught the science behind zombies. Solanum is, according to Brooks, the virus that turns regular people into zombies. There are symptoms, too!

You know how in the movies, people who are bitten by zombies don't tend to die right away? They look pretty shitty, right? That's 'cause they're sick. And when someone is sick, they tend to show some symptoms. These are the symptoms, according to Brooks, that are exhibited. Hour by hour!

Hour 1: Pain and discoloration (brown-purple) of the infected area. Immediate clotting of the wound (provided the infection came from a wound).
Hour 5: Fever (99–103 degrees F), chills, slight dementia, vomiting, acute pain in the joints.
Hour 8: Numbing of extremities and infected area, increased fever (103–106 degrees F), increased dementia, loss of muscular coordination.
Hour 11: Paralysis in the lower body, overall numbness, slowed heart rate.
Hour 16: Coma.
Hour 20: Heart stoppage. Zero brain activity.
Hour 23: Reanimation.

So that's that. Once there are zombies running, erm, I mean, limping, or whatever, one should be very cautious. Zombies aren't fast, so they may seem like they are a pathetic force, but in numbers, if you're not prepared, you're pretty much screwed.

Oh, right, here's some fun information that will quell some of your fears! Zombies can't run. Yeah, all the stuff you see in those movies with zombies sprinting isn't real. No, real zombies don't run.
Anywho, my "colleague" and I made a list of stuff that is essential to survive the zombocalypse. Brooks has one, too, but I ain't talking about Brooks' book the whole time. Go read it, and arm yourselves with knowledge.
Here's the list:
  • Water
  • Alcohol (for disinfecting wounds and such)
  • Alcohol (it'll help settle your nerves, according to Colleague)
  • A way of defending yourself (chainsaws aren't good, though. They're loud and can attract more zombies.)
  • Ammunition if your way of defending yourself requires it
  • Some form of entertainment
  • Food (You know, the kind that won't go bad quickly)
  • Knives
  • First aid kid
  • Common sense
It has been theorized that the list can be cut down to, like, three of these: Water, alcohol and food. Alcohol can be used as a form of entertainment, disinfectant, and as a tool of defending yourself (Molotov cocktail). This is probably a little risky, though.

Apart from fear, something else also threatens your sanity in this situation: the moans of the undead. Imagine hearing someone complain 24/7. Your sanity would soon cease to exist after a few days. So make sure you distract yourself from the scary sounds. If you go insane while zombies are out to eat you, you're fucked.

So that's zombies. There is another portion to the undead, though that has yet to be discussed. Vampires are scarier than zombies. They can think and stuff.

Once again,

1.a preternatural being, commonly believed to be a reanimated corpse, that is said to suck the blood of sleeping persons at night.
2. (in Eastern European folklore) a corpse, animated by an undeparted soul or demon, that periodically leaves the grave and disturbs the living, until it is exhumed and impaled or burned.
3. a person who preys ruthlessly upon others; extortionist.
4. a woman who unscrupulously exploits, ruins, or degrades the men she seduces.
5. an actress noted for her roles as an unscrupulous seductress: the vampires of the silent movies.

The last two entries are scary, but we will be focusing on the first three.

Zombies are easy to kill. Destroy the brain in any way and you're good. Vampires are really specific, though. You need like a stake and guts to kill a vampire. Or expose them to light. Unless they're the vampires that Stephanie Meyer has created, but those should be easy to kill.

The real scary vampires, though aren't. Vampires can fuck you up easily. I mean seriously, they only come out at night. They know we have pretty crappy night vision and they take advantage of that fact. With zombies, there is a chance you'll live if you do everything right. Vampires on the other hand...well, a lot of it will probably have to do with luck. Unless you're a clumsy, awkward teenager who just moved to an obscure town in the northwest, looking for true love or whatever. But don't get your hopes up. Vampires can easily fuck you up. I mean, anything that can turn into a bat at will and has, like, three weaknesses that aren't easy to utilize is not to be trifled with.

But vampires being the death of all us is a lot less unlikely than zombies eating us. Seriously.

In the end, though, a lot of the ideas of surviving really have to do with common sense and being able to function. So when the day comes when the handsome anchorman alerts you to undead walking about the streets of Seattle, or something, don't panic, stay calm, and act quickly and properly. This will ensure your sanity. Hopefully.

*My colleague is my red headed friend. We are freshmen in college. We have very little knowledge on the subject of the end of the world. The only real information we gathered was basically from The Zombie Survival Guide. The rest we just thought made sense. So this stuff I'm writing about aren't really findings. They kind of are, though, right? Right.