The End of the World Part 1: The Undead

Happy new year, everyone! I thought I'd start off 2011 in a positive way and talk about the apocalypse!

Way back when in, like, November, or something, a friend of mine told me that I should discuss the end of the world on this here blog. At first, I couldn't figure out what the apocalypse had to do with going insane, but I figured it out! That's why I'm writing about it!

Before I go any further, I'd like to let you know that I care about you, dear reader. I am aware that the topic of the end of the world isn't a topic some people like to discuss. So I'm letting you know now that this is pretty much what I will be writing about. So if you aren't fond of the idea, perhaps you should reconsider reading this. Your call, yo.

This series of posts are aimed at those who believe the world will end, those curious on how the world might end, and those who are bored. Many people may worry about surviving the end of the world, which may cause them to begin to stress out and be afraid, which can lead to insanity. The proper way to ward of going insane in this situation is through the power of information and knowledge. So, dear reader, I will attempt to provide you with this information, but, again, please note that I'm not a professional in anything. So if you decide to take this seriously then learn that my advice doesn't actually work, get over it. It's your fault for taking it, so ha!
I've warned you.

A "colleague" and I made a list of the most likely ways that the world will end. We have "gathered" information and I have been given permission to report our "findings."*

Without further ado, let us begin. Today's topic of discussion will be on the undead, which includes zombies and vampires, I guess.

Let's start with zombies.
Let's start with defining zombies.
According to Dictionary.com a zombie is...

-noun
1. (in voodoo)
a. the body of a dead person given the semblance of life, but mute and will-less, by a supernatural force, usually for some evil purpose.
b. the supernatural force itself.
2. (informal)
a. a person whose behavior or responses are wooden, listless, or seemingly rote; automaton.
b. an eccentric or peculiar person.
3. a snake god worshiped in West Indian and Brazilian religious practices of African origin.
4. a tall drink made typically with several kinds of rum, citrus juice, and often apricot liqueur.
5. (Canadian Slang) An army conscript assigned to home defense during World War II.

We know zombies to be those guys that were alive, but were infected by some virus, that made them dead, that brought them back to "life," and had a strong desire to consume human flesh. You know, the scary, walking dead humans that want to eat you. They normally have tattered clothes.

According to Max Brooks, the awesome guy that wrote The Zombie Survival Guide, we are taught the science behind zombies. Solanum is, according to Brooks, the virus that turns regular people into zombies. There are symptoms, too!

You know how in the movies, people who are bitten by zombies don't tend to die right away? They look pretty shitty, right? That's 'cause they're sick. And when someone is sick, they tend to show some symptoms. These are the symptoms, according to Brooks, that are exhibited. Hour by hour!

Hour 1: Pain and discoloration (brown-purple) of the infected area. Immediate clotting of the wound (provided the infection came from a wound).
Hour 5: Fever (99–103 degrees F), chills, slight dementia, vomiting, acute pain in the joints.
Hour 8: Numbing of extremities and infected area, increased fever (103–106 degrees F), increased dementia, loss of muscular coordination.
Hour 11: Paralysis in the lower body, overall numbness, slowed heart rate.
Hour 16: Coma.
Hour 20: Heart stoppage. Zero brain activity.
Hour 23: Reanimation.

So that's that. Once there are zombies running, erm, I mean, limping, or whatever, one should be very cautious. Zombies aren't fast, so they may seem like they are a pathetic force, but in numbers, if you're not prepared, you're pretty much screwed.

Oh, right, here's some fun information that will quell some of your fears! Zombies can't run. Yeah, all the stuff you see in those movies with zombies sprinting isn't real. No, real zombies don't run.

Anywho, my "colleague" and I made a list of stuff that is essential to survive the zombocalypse. Brooks has one, too, but I ain't talking about Brooks' book the whole time. Go read it, and arm yourselves with knowledge.

Here's the list:

• Water
• Alcohol (for disinfecting wounds and such)
• Alcohol (it'll help settle your nerves, according to Colleague)
• A way of defending yourself (chainsaws aren't good, though. They're loud and can attract more zombies.)
• Ammunition if your way of defending yourself requires it
• Some form of entertainment
• Food (You know, the kind that won't go bad quickly)
• Knives
• First aid kid
• Common sense

It has been theorized that the list can be cut down to, like, three of these: Water, alcohol and food. Alcohol can be used as a form of entertainment, disinfectant, and as a tool of defending yourself (Molotov cocktail). This is probably a little risky, though.

Apart from fear, something else also threatens your sanity in this situation: the moans of the undead. Imagine hearing someone complain 24/7. Your sanity would soon cease to exist after a few days. So make sure you distract yourself from the scary sounds. If you go insane while zombies are out to eat you, you're fucked.

So that's zombies. There is another portion to the undead, though that has yet to be discussed. Vampires are scarier than zombies. They can think and stuff.

Once again, Dictionary.com.

–noun
1.a preternatural being, commonly believed to be a reanimated corpse, that is said to suck the blood of sleeping persons at night.
2. (in Eastern European folklore) a corpse, animated by an undeparted soul or demon, that periodically leaves the grave and disturbs the living, until it is exhumed and impaled or burned.
3. a person who preys ruthlessly upon others; extortionist.
4. a woman who unscrupulously exploits, ruins, or degrades the men she seduces.
5. an actress noted for her roles as an unscrupulous seductress: the vampires of the silent movies.

The last two entries are scary, but we will be focusing on the first three.

Zombies are easy to kill. Destroy the brain in any way and you're good. Vampires are really specific, though. You need like a stake and guts to kill a vampire. Or expose them to light. Unless they're the vampires that Stephanie Meyer has created, but those should be easy to kill.

The real scary vampires, though aren't. Vampires can fuck you up easily. I mean seriously, they only come out at night. They know we have pretty crappy night vision and they take advantage of that fact. With zombies, there is a chance you'll live if you do everything right. Vampires on the other hand...well, a lot of it will probably have to do with luck. Unless you're a clumsy, awkward teenager who just moved to an obscure town in the northwest, looking for true love or whatever. But don't get your hopes up. Vampires can easily fuck you up. I mean, anything that can turn into a bat at will and has, like, three weaknesses that aren't easy to utilize is not to be trifled with.

But vampires being the death of all us is a lot less unlikely than zombies eating us. Seriously.

In the end, though, a lot of the ideas of surviving really have to do with common sense and being able to function. So when the day comes when the handsome anchorman alerts you to undead walking about the streets of Seattle, or something, don't panic, stay calm, and act quickly and properly. This will ensure your sanity. Hopefully.

*My colleague is my red headed friend. We are freshmen in college. We have very little knowledge on the subject of the end of the world. The only real information we gathered was basically from The Zombie Survival Guide. The rest we just thought made sense. So this stuff I'm writing about aren't really findings. They kind of are, though, right? Right.

The Holiday Season

Everything goes downhill after Thanksgiving. Well, not really.

The holiday season is a rather stressful time for many of us. How can it not be? There are the dreaded finals high school and college students must first overcome to begin their Winter Break, the threat of contact with the unwanted, unliked and smelly relatives visiting, giving you a hideous knitted sweater with a deformed Rudolph embroidered on it, the need to spend a copious amount of money on people you may not like, knowing that you will gain weight, and more. It's also an incredibly dangerous time. Stores are filled to the brim with mothers who need to buy their child the brand new XBox or PS3. How else will they be able to satisfy their thirst for computer animated blood and violence?

It all starts at around midnight, maybe 4:00 a.m., on the Friday follwing Thanksgiving. Black Friday is the day we celebrate consumerism, materialism, awesome savings on things we need/don't need, and human population. Oh, and it's also a wonderful way to shed off all the weight we might have gained from stuffing ourselves with a copious amount of food the night before, as well as forget what we learned the night before! No, that's not true. We are grateful for awesome savings!

For those that don't really know, Black Friday is the day many stores decide to lower their prices on, like, everything. It's pretty much the first day of the holiday season. As wonderful as it may sound, this day is slightly infamous. People have definitely died, mostly by being trampled by obese peolple trying to get into the store. It's a good way to keep the population in check. Here's a video.


It can get a looooooot worse than that.

It begins.

If you unfortunately miss this day of fun and crowds, you're out of luck. Prices for objects your children want will return to normal and you will suffer. But if you feel the need to buy them crap, I have a piece of information that will save you from tearing your hair out!

About a year and a half ago, I signed up for the Borders membership thingy. I like books, but books are expensive. Fortunately, by being a member of Borders Rewards, I get weekly coupons! So plan ahead. There are a lot of different memberships for different stores, I imagine. So look into them. If part of the whole membership allows you to recieve a large amount of coupons for free, then by all means join said membership thing. Coupons are pretty much your best friends during this time.

Or, don't buy any gifts. Make some. It shows that you care a lot more (hopefully), and you won't have to spend any money.

Or don't give any tangible gifts. Just, like, hang out with the people you care about. Perhaps that's one of the many meanings of the holiday season. And all the religious ones, too, but I won't get into them, mainly because I'm afraid I'll get something wrong and religious people will descend on my like a pack of angry, hungry wolves.

Some people will be forced to spend time with their families they normally wouldn't want to be near. I say get over it. Some of these people could possibly die within the next couple of days, so deal with it. If you have to spend time with them, don't go out of your way to be bored, depressed, angry, angsty, annoyed, etc. Maybe try to enjoy your company.

One last thing. I come from a Catholic family, so we celebrate Christmas. My sister moved out recently, so I was the only child living in the house. My sister normally organizes the tree decorating crap, but she wasn't here, and my parents were all busy-like and stuff. So, I believed the tree-decorating duty was placed on me. I didn't want to, though. The reason I did is because I felt like I had to. So I conformed to tradition.

Normally, our tree is decorated in the typical fashion: ornaments, lights, strands of beads, and angel on the peak of the tree, etc., etc. I put fruit on the tree. It started with a banana, then a kiwi was added, followed by an apple and an orange. By doing so, I was pretty much flipping tradition off, but not so it was obvious. It was more like flipping tradition off so it wouldn't see me. So I ended up liking the tree a lot more by not following the rules and such, which made me feel better about it and stuff.

I don't know how this applies to going insane. Figure it out.

Happy Holidays, you guys!

Love,
Alejandro.

Recovery from Insanity

My last post was, well, interesting to say the least. I'm not saying the actual post was interesting, but the events that followed the post. It didn't go over well for some. It was misinterpreted, and I received quite a bit of, well, negativity. It wasn't pretty.

Yes, there was an epic battle of sorts, and both sides fought long and hard. But not really. It probably wasn't as dramatic as I make it sound, but, dear reader, I would just like to make it clear that some of the writing in my posts is meant to sound over-dramatic. I go out of my way to make things more exciting because, well, life is pretty damn boring.

Now then, events that took place concerning the previous post had left me in a very strange, uncomfortable position. All this constant bickering and fighting over something that really didn't matter left me feeling rather high-strung. I couldn't take it any more, and some of my internal organs probably exploded. Dearest reader, I went insane. Rather, I was close to going insane. I was on the brink of insanity. But I recovered.

So now that I've given a personal story, I will now continue to give some advice that may or may not suck. And it'll be in steps!

1. Realize you're insane or on the brink of insanity.

This is quite possibly one of the more difficult steps. Sometimes, it'll be simple to identify you're on the brink of insanity. Pay attention to your actions. If you notice that you're behaving rather strange, especially after something dramatic, traumatic, stressful, ridiculous or stupid happens. If your comportment is really off, you may be going insane. It is much more noticeable if you're writing or typing. You'll be able to see what you're saying, and that can really help.

More often than not, you probably won't be writing or typing when you're on the brink of insanity. I was fortunate enough to have been, so I acted quickly. If you aren't as lucky as I was, look at how others are reacting to your behavior. Especially if they're all like, "What the fuck is up with that guy/girl? He/She is crazy or something." Of course, being around people that actually know you well will definitely help in your self-diagnosis.

The following step is incredibly crucial, so pay attention. But you don't really have to. Whatevs.

The First 2. Calm down.

Pretty self-explanatory, I think. Try taking the situation in stride, tell yourself, "I'm probably going insane, but now that I know I am, I can do something about it and things will be cool and stuff." Reassure yourself. If you don't, you'll probably freak out and the problem will exacerbate, which is the opposite of what you want.

If that works, continue to step three. If it fails...

The Second 2. CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

At this point you're still freaking out, the situation may have gotten a lot worse, and all hell is about to break loose. It's time to take drastic actions! Breathe all deep and stuff. Have others reassure you. Sit and attempt to relax. Fight the urge to do anything drastic. You know, all that kind of stuff. Find your happy place.

3. Recovery.

This step involves doing stuff you like. Unhealthy, junk food helps a lot, as well as sugary, fizzy, different colored beverages. Caffeine won't help, though. Not at all. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Find a nice warm spot on the couch, by the fire, with a cat, a dog, or a hedgehog. Except if you're in California. You can't have hedgehogs there. Take a warm shower or bath, and let your muscles relax as your body recalls those wonderful, warm, safe days spent in the womb of your mum, surrounded by amniotic fluid. Try not to think about what happened. It was a terrible, tragic event, and dwelling on it will just freak the living life out of you.*

4. Sleep.

I'm not gonna explain this one.

So that's that. I actually don't know if this always work. Last night was the first time I tried it, and it seemed to work pretty well. Sort of. I didn't get much sleep, though. But it's probably because I went against the steps I made up and drank a Vanilla Coke at, like, ten o' clock, or something. That wasn't smart.

Anyway, I feel like this was poorly written, but I don't care. I'm gonna blame it on the stupid things that happened yesterday.

Kbye.

*That was a stupid sentence.